The Do's and Don't of Listing --to the survivor, the depressed one threatening suicide, anyone

Dr. Abraham Schmitt, author of The Art of Listening with Love, says that such listening can transform people and relationships. "This kind of listening," he says, "can free the speaker to search deeper and deeper for a more full understanding and admiration of himself." Listening is then a great act of love at that moment, for it makes the other person more whole.

Far too often we are more worried about our ability to say the right thing than we are about giving an understanding ear to the mourner. We feel we must offer deep philosophical or theological thoughts to the bereaved when a hug, a handshake, a deep look into their eyes, or your presence is all that is needed. By your presence, you affirm that they are not alone. Just as joy shared is joy increased, grief shared is grief diminished.

In the case of death by suicide, there are some very definite things you can do or not do, say or not say:

1. Do:
   1. Really care enough to listen. You can't fake caring and concern.
   2. Tell the person that you care and are available should he/she need you; then be available. Don't tell others, "Well I'd really like to help _____, but he/she won't listen to what I say." Make sure that's not a cop-out for not really caring and/or a cover-up for indifference, or for trying to control and dominate. Sometimes it can be an unconscious attempt on our part to look good to others. Encourage bereaved persons to tell what they feel, rather then try to prescribe how they should fee. A sufferer must find his or her own natural, honest expression of grief.
   3. Be trustworthy. Don't offer to listen if you aren't going to. Ask yourself why you want to listen. Don't use the other person¹s misery to satisfy a morbid curiosity of your own. He or she will sense something wrong and may later regret or resent having confided in you and, consequently, both of you will suffer.

2. Don’t:
   • condemn
   • patronize
   • judge
   • argue
   • blame
   • advise
   • criticize
   • ignore
   • laugh or jest
   • put off
   • put down ("That's nothing. It's happened to others.")
   • compete ("Let me tell you how much more I've suffered.")
   • lay on guilt trips (The survivor already feels guilty enough: don't add to the burden.)

   Don't remind the person of obligations to others. Often, that is already part of the problem. Depressed persons may feel acutely aware of an inadequacy in meeting their responsibilities; harping on it will increase their sense of helplessness.

   Don't dare or encourage someone to commit suicide on a mistaken notion that you will bluff them out of it. What they hear is that you just don't understand or are deliberately insensitive to what is really a desperate cry for help.

   To do any of the above to a sufferer is insensitive; to ignore that cry for help is cruel; to dare or encourage the suicide threat is criminal.

3. Ask Yourself:
   1. Do I resent his/her plea for attention? Why? Is it my own need for attention so great that I am jealous of someone else who needs or asks for it?
   2. An' I more concerned with seeing this person's pain relieved, or am I making this conversation a power struggle because my concern is my own need to control?
   3. c) Am I blaming him/her excessively--am I projecting my own feelings of guilt onto one who's already vulnerable because I can't face it myself?

4. Don’t Say:
   1. "Don't worry, you can have more children."
   2. "You're young, you'll get married again."
   3. "You just have to forget he/she ever existed."
   4. "Anyone who commits suicide is weak."
   5. "Well, it was God's will, you know."
   6. "They are in hell now--all people who commit suicide are demon-possessed." (How do you know?)
   7. "Don't talk about it." (Why not? The survivor is experiencing an intense emotional crisis. Death is an inevitable part of the human experience. Mental health depends on the acknowledgement of tragedy--not the denial of it.)
   8. "Be brave! Don't cry!" (Why not? Tears are a natural expression of grief, loneliness and longing, and a tribute to the one who is missed. Death carries many emotional overtones, and there is nothing shameful or unacceptable in acknowledging these feelings.)

5. Do Say:
   1. "I remember 'this' or 'that' about _____. Single out some special interest of the deceased person or some attractive personality trait and comment on it.
   2. "Tell me how you feel."
   3. "Let me know when you want to talk about it. I'll be ready to listen."

   It's very difficult for some people to share deep feelings. They may fear being hurt, rejected or ridiculed. Some have never experienced unconditional love from another and don't know how to accept it. Some people believe that talking won't help, that they are always misunderstood by others, so why try. Others think they have no worthwhile ideas to offer because of a poor self-image, so they withhold comments and personal feelings.

   Be patient with these people--and be understanding. Their suffering may be compounded by their inability to communicate, and you may have to take the lead more than once.

6. Additional Tips:
   1. Give verbal indication that you sense the person's feelings. Be interested and show it.
   2. Listen intently. Hearing is passive. Listening takes mental effort and is active.
   3. Put yourself in that person's shoes—sense how he/she feels. Give the other person the benefit of the doubt.
   4. Suspend your own feelings: don't make prejudgments that can shout out new messages.
   5. Ask—"What is this person really telling me?" Avoid jumping to conclusions.
   6. Let him or her know you understand.
   7. Let him or her know if you don't understand. repeat what he/she said--use feeling words to describe emotions--interpret what you hear. Get feedback.
   8. Focus on main issues and avoid being distracted by details.
   9. Say--"I hear you saying thus and so. Am I right?"
   10. Practice this until you can reflect back to the person what has been shared with you. Confirm what has actually been said.

7. If you feel you must say something, point out that, although tragic, suicide is not something shameful to be hidden away. Dealing with it openly can help restore survivors' shattered lives to wholeness.

   It is the expression and sharing of the grief reaction itself that helps to bring about an acceptable understanding and emotional healing.

   It is through the sharing and passing along of our healing to someone in similar need that our healing is completed. By turning the grief process into a growth experience, we can find meaning in a senseless tragedy and a ray of hope for our own future.